What Dreams May Come

I needed last night. A lot.

As some of you may know, I am having some health concerns that frankly scare the bejeezus out of me. I've been spending a lot of time lately crying, confused, scared and just needing a little guidence to figure out what to do. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends who have been more helpful than I could possibly imagine, but last night, I got the answer I needed.

In one of the most vivid dreams I think I've ever had, my Pop (my mom's father) came to me. It was the most comforted I've felt since his passing in 2007. I was extremely close to my Pop, but for a few reasons, we had been unable to speak for about a year before his death. Last night was exactly what I needed. And, if you'll indulge me, I wanted to write it down so that I don't forget anything.

I was sitting with my mom on a bed in a hotel room or something. Chad was there, but I couldn't see him, it was like I just knew he was there. Then, my Pop walked through the door. He was wearing khaki colored pants, a white cotton t-shirt, and a khaki colored jacket. He had his blue shoes on (and for anyone who doesn't understand the significance, I only asked for 3 things when we were cleaning his belongings out of the condo- his blue velcro shoes adn 2 of his casino t-shirts.) I asked "Pop?" and he said "Yep!". I asked "What are you doing here?" He responded "I heard you needed me." At that point, I looked at my mom and just started crying. He didn't say much for awhile, mostly my mom and I were just talking about the upcoming surgery and weighed our options. He just sat there listening. Then, he said he needed a t-shirt. I had no idea what he was talking about, but mom and I frantically started looking for something for him in my closet. Then, I saw his grey Boulder Station shirt and gave it to him. He smiled, and headed for the door. Then as he left he told me to take good care of the raincoat he gave me. I don't know what that part meant, but I was really happy to be able to smell him again and hear his low voice.

I don't know what it means. It could all just be a product of a seriously stressed out mind, but right now, I don't care. I needed to hear his voice, and having him there (so to speak) while I discussed a surgery I didn't want to have,  it made me feel like it was going to be okay.

I woke up today with a smile on my face and a few tears in my eyes. It just felt so nice not to let those memories of him slip away.