And then this happened.

Hi everyone. Yep, I've been MIA for awhile. Frankly, I've been going back and forth on whether or not I should even write this post. But, after going through everything for the past 2 weeks, I turned to the internet. I had a lot of questions, and I found some other women out there who had written blog posts about their experiences and it was a great comfort to me. So, maybe now I can pay it forward to someone else out there.

It was July 13th. I got up early and decided to take a pregnancy test because I was having surgery in a few weeks and I knew it was going to be one of the first questions my doctor asked. I took the test, then prepared myself for work. I happened to glance down at the test, and there it was. The very thing I had been waiting almost 5 years to see. A positive.

I immediately said, out loud "Nope." There was no possible way. It wasn't going to happen like that. The test was wrong. I tried to calm down, and took another test from another manufacturer, in another box. Same thing. 2 big, beautiful pink lines looking right back at me.

I panicked. How was this even possible?! We were told it might never happen for us! I had taken Temoxofin for only 4 days. I hadn't had a period in months (totally normal for me) so we had NOTHING to base anything off of. I called my husband, who was on his way to work and told him the news. He almost crashed. We were both stunned and didn't quite know how to react. We decided it could still be a fluke, so we decided that I should go to my doctor's office (which happens to be right across the street) and get my blood tested before we did anything else.

So I did. I went in, told the people at the front desk what was going on, and they took me back right away to get a Beta test. They told me they'd call me back at some point during the day to let me know the results.

I don't even know how I got to work. I was shaking, crying, freaking out and extatic all at once. This was a dream come true. I went from feeling like I'd forever be doomed to not have the one thing I've wanted since the day I met my husband, to possibly having it right in front of me. On top of that, we were going out for lunch as an office that day to celebrate a co-worker who had found a new position. How was I going to go through the day without bursting!?

Somehow, I made it. I was at lunch when I got the call. I stepped away from the table and heard the words I never in a million years thought I'd hear said to me. "Congratulations! You're a mommy!" 2 months along. It was like all of the blood drained from my entire body in a split second. I had to sit down. The room was spinning and when I looked down at my hands, I saw that I must've been crying, too. It was amazing. I was going to have a baby. Finally.

Then, I went to the bathroom. There was a little blood. That couldn't be good. I immediately called the nurse back and asked if that was a bad thing. She asked me some questions, then told me it wasn't anything to be concerned about.

A few hours later the cramping started. Not terrible, mind you, like a period. That couldn't be good either. Once again, I was assured all was well.

I called Hubby, who I was pretty sure was going to jump out of his skin with excitement. If I was on top of the world, he was over the moon. I've never seen him so insanely happy. We told our parents, his sisters, and I confirmed the news to E. I had called her earlier that morning mid freak-out, and I had to tell her what was going on. I kept telling everyone we needed to be cautiously optimistic since the biggest test of everything would be the second set of testing.

We went through the weekend. We chose names. We chose a nursery theme. We discussed child care, and vehicles and everything under the sun. It was perfect. We finally had everything.

Until Monday. I wasn't feeling well. I went in to have my second set of testing done. I prayed. So hard. I begged. I pleaded for God not to take this perfect thing away from me.

Then I got the phone call. All the blood drained from my body in a split second again. The air was sucked from my chest. My levels had fallen. I was miscarrying. They told me it was going to be bad in the next few days. I don't think I heard much after that. The voice on the other end of the phone said something about statistics, but he may as well have been discussing the weather. I felt like lead. I was crying again. In a matter of seconds I had gone from a place of immense happiness to a dark place of immense heartbreak. How was I going to tell Hubby?

I just called him. At work. I needed to hear his voice. I just cried. He knew the second I called what the news was. We both left work and just came home. He held me while I all out bawled He cried too. 3 days. We knew for 3 days. But those 3 days changed everything for us.

Needless to say, the next few days were horrific. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then, we had to discuss surgery. I had been scheduled to have surgery before we knew any of this, and my doctor felt that now, more than ever, it needed to happen.

So, last Friday I had surgery. Thankfully, I didn't have to have a D&C, which is something I had a serious fear of. But we needed to eliminate a number of other factors (endometriosis, cancer, polyps, etc.). They found endometriosis, and were able to fix it. They also found a metal clip left over from a previous surgery, and were kind enough to remove it for me.

Recovery has been slow. It's been really difficult. Physically, this is probably the worst recovery I've had from any surgery. I wont even tell you what it's been like emotionally.

Sure, it happened once for us. That's great. But it was also taken away. Will I ever be able to get pregnant  again? Maybe. I sure hope so. My doctor even said it's a much larger possibility now that the endometriosis has been taken care of. But what if it doesn't? What if it does? Will I be able to relax? Will I even be able to enjoy pregnancy if I'm so paranoid that something will happen?

It was the closest I had ever been. I was SO CLOSE. I had it. For a fleeting moment, I was a mom. I had the one thing Hubby and I had hoped and prayed for.

So, there you have it. That's what happened. And I'm not even sure Disney could lift my spirits at this point. If you know me, you know the depth of that statement.