Rules of Infertility

Hi friends!

Normally, I try not to talk about my personal life, especially on the web. You never know who's reading, so it's a security thing. But, this isn't something that I'm dealing with on my own, so I figure it's fair game to comment on.

I'm infertile. I'm not able to have kids. While we're still trying to figure out what the culprit is, we have a feeling that years of bulimia may have been the start of it. On top of the entire feeling of hopelessness, it's hard knowing that I likely brought this on myself. Not only me, but to my husband as well.

I think that the worst part of it though (ya know, other than the obvious) is that most people don't understand the emotional toll it takes on the couple. To some people, not being able to have a child of their own isn't a big deal. To us though, it's something that we've wanted for quite some time. What makes it worse, is seeing so many people out there popping out kids left and right without stopping to think about how blessed they really are.

So, I thought it would be helpful to post a little guide for others on what's appropriate and inappropriate to say to someone struggling with infertility. While not every couple experiencing infertility may agree with what I'm about to post, I know it rings true for me.

1. Do NOT ask "when are you guys going to have kids?" Ummm, perhaps I wasn't clear. I'm not able to. Just because everyone else in the family is having kids, it doesn't mean it's as easy for us.

2. Do NOT say "well, you guys can just adopt." That's like saying to someone "well, I know you wanted to get rid of your cold, but you could just get your PhD, become and doctor, and prescribe some antibiotics yourself!" Adoption is an incredibly expensive, long, and in-depth process. It's not just a matter of going to the kid store and picking out a kid. I wish. Nope, it's incredibly expensive, and if you're choosing to adopt internationally, be prepared to live in the country you're adopting from for a set amount of time. Again, all of these expenses are on top of the expenses all parents already have to go through (setting up the nursery, food, clothing, etc.) Additionally, while this is no big deal for me, the chances of you having a child that looks like you is astronomical. More than likely, you'll have an African American child (black children make up over half of all children currently in the system). Again, it wont matter to me if my child is black, white, purple, or green. My child will be MY child. The color of their skin wont matter in my eyes. What DOES matter is how much child is perceived by their family. Will my child be accepted in the eyes of our family as much as my nieces and nephew are? Will their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins look at them as an equal member of the family or will they be treated differently because they don't share the same DNA? I can answer that question for a few of the key players. I can't answer it for everyone though. Until I can, I refuse to put my child through that. Love me or hate me for it. While we'll likely pursue adoption, it's important to me that our families be involved in the process. Until we can educate each and every one of them about this process, we don't feel comfortable having to bring a child into a situation where they have to see our families being cut out of our lives for not being able to accept them. As a future mom, I can't put them through that.

3. Do NOT whisper. I know a lot of people wont understand what that means. Nothing hurts worse than having to hear third or fourth hand that one of your friends or family members is pregnant because they don't want to tell you themselves. While it's sweet that you're aware of the situation and want to spare me the reminder that your baby maker works and mine doesn't, it still hurts to become a social outcast because of it. The best plan is to be honest. Tell me yourself. Let me share my excitement for you! As long as it's done with understanding and tact, you're not going to hurt my feelings. What's even better is when I know how much you've wanted to have a child of you own. There's no better example of this than with my good friends Sarah and Eric. Sarah did things perfectly. She and her hubby wanted to start a family right away after they were married, and lucky for them, only a few months later, they found out they were pregnant with their beautiful daughter. Sarah told me herself, and I was so happy I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I can't think of two better parents and I'm so happy to have been able to share their joy as they prepared to welcome Ella to the world. In a way, it helped me heal, too.

4. Don't ask "can't you just try IVF or something?" See #2. The same thing applies. IVF or any other infertility procedure isn't a simple process. It's also not a cheap one. Most insurances look at infertility as an elective- something you don't necessarily have to fix. Sadly, with our current insurance, I can't get any sort of female exam without paying for it completely out of pocket. Even getting a blood test to see if there was anything in my blood causing my symptoms was sent back to me for payment in full. I can't even get a yearly pap smear. If you don't know ungodly expensive these procedures are, just ask your doctor. You'll crap a chicken.

5. Please, for the love of all that is Holy, do NOT tell me "well, it's just not God's plan for you." That is quite possibly the lowest blow anyone can deal in an already heartbreaking situation. I am a woman of faith. I believe in God. I do my best to live a good life and to be close to God. I understand that He has a plan for me. I do. What doesn't help though is having someone tell me that my being a mother simply isn't worthy enough. In all likelihood, you don't know me. You don't know my husband. You have no idea what our situation is. You telling me that the heartbreak and tears I've put into not being able to make my husband a father are unfounded is nothing short of a slap in the face. Try telling someone who's lost their parent to cancer or a freak accident that it simply wasn't God's plan to have them be around anymore and you'll likely get the same reaction. No, it doesn't fit completely, but it's just about as offensive. Pontificating to someone during such a hard process is quite possibly one of the meanest things you could do. Infertility is something deeply personal. When someone decides to open up to you about something so raw and heartbreaking, it really takes a lot for that person to do so. By saying to them "Well, your struggle is a stupid one since God doesn't want it to happen" you're driving that knife in even deeper. My relationship with God is one no one else can possibly understand. It's my own. I know He has a plan for me, but I know without hesitation that his plan involves me being a parent. Maybe it's through adoption, but maybe, just maybe, it's by some sort of miracle. Maybe one of these treatments we're going to get a big fat positive. We'll know, without question that it was an act of God. Until that happens though, keep the condescending comments to yourself.

So there they are. Those are my rules. Not every couple in our situation will feel the same. Chad may not even feel the same about everything I've said. But for me, it works. This is road that is dark, confusing, emotional and sometimes private. If you know someone dealing with this, please just stop and think. If that person has opened up to you, I can understand how it may be confusing and intimidating to be able to talk openly with them without offending them. My best advice is to just talk. Ask them how this makes them feel. Ask if there is anything you can say or do to be more supportive. Be ready to hear "no". But the best thing to have when you're experiencing this is support. Knowing you have friends and family who are pulling for you and are with you every step of the way is beyond words. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and don't be afraid of doing some research, too.

To all of my friends and family who have been with me throughout, I can't thank you enough. It means the world to know that I can laugh, cry and vent to you. I know in time, I'll look back at this as I watch my child in his/her first school play and think  "It was all worth it."

Edited to add: If you feel that this post is something someone you know would benefit from seeing, please feel free to pass it along. While this is a personal battle for each person, the more light I can shed on it, the better. Thank you for the awesome feedback- I really appreciate it :).